god i'm tired, feels like i've been awake all night. Wich i haven't but oh well, we've all been teenagers once, and most of us has probably had a crush. Im in that shit right know...

Let's call this gorgeous guy jimmy. (feels wrong to use his real name) So, this guy. He's one year older than me, wich means he's in the grade above me and i have no idea about how this started really. i was sleeping over at my best friends house, it was around 3am and i couldn't sleep. eventally i started drifting away a little and then he was just suddenly in my dreams. I can't remember seeing him in school the day before or earlier that year. so i still have no idea what that dream came from. But he was just so damn sweet to me in my dream and then suddenly i was just hella in love. I tried to tell myself i didn't like him that way, but it didn't work out that well so i'm still stuck in this awkward situation when he barely knows who i am and i am just way to in love with him...

He does know who i am though, i did manage to get his snapchat (no, not from him of course) and he added me back. and i accidentally sent a very ugly picture of me that was supposed to be to my best friend. But now, like 2 months later we've come to a very awkward stage where he is ignoring my snaps, i don't want it to seem like i care so i don't send him that many. but he just opens them and doesn't send anything back, wich of course annoys me a little. But i can't blame him really, still, he barely knows who i am. But he definitely doesn't like me back (wich, i don't blame him for, we don't know eachother) and i would kinda like to move on, but it's a lot harder than it seems. i just really like him, and i have done some real stalkerish shit to get to know him from a distance. I know a lot about him, besides if he has a girlfriend. I know his sign is taurus (wich is compatible to pisces, my sign), i know when his school days end, i know what way he takes to the bus and i kinda know where he lives. scary, right? But the thing is, liking him this much, knowing that there's no chance of him liking me back has been a little bit of a mental breakdown. i have been looking myself in the mirror a lot more, telling me that Jimmy could never like me 'cuz i'm so fat and ugly. I've been starting to eat a lot less and i really feel bad after eating sweets or ice cream or anything like that. I've also started to work out way more than before. all of this has made me tired and i'm so up in a cloud telling myself that i need to look better so that he'll like me. School has been starting to pay for that, due to the lack of food i eat i have been getting more tired, wich is showing in my classes. my teachers often tell me i look pale and tired and that is seems like i have a hard time concentrating. Wich i have, and all because of this gorgeous boy and stupid dream! Writing this out makes everything seem so much easier, i could just stop liking him, right? apparentley not. i don't know what to do! my grades are slowly starting to drop and i really don't want this to affect school! But i can't stop thinking that i'm fat and ugly, that i need to eat less and become more beautiful so that he'll like me back.

Listen to: Mrs. potato head- mealnie martinez

             Scars to your beautiful- alessia cara