I've been so busy these past few days! I won't be able to write a decent post today either bc it's my birthday and the guests are coming in half an hour and before that I need to finish the cake. So, have you guys had a good day? Mine's been decent so far, been hanging out with my sister, playing with the rabbits, cuddling with my cat, taking some pictures in the beautiful weather and preparing two cakes. I've also been cleaning the toilets. I don't really have anything more to write, sorry you guys... but I'll see you later! :D

Listen to: Fire N Gold- Bea Miller

              Recovery- Broods

Every time I walk by myself in the city, everytime I'm alone on the bus, every time I leave school there's this feeling. The feeling that tells me that I can't walk with both earphones plugged in and that I need to be aware of my surroundings. I'm so scared to get raped, scared to death. I see all these guys between 16 and 20 years old, sitting on the bus, walking the same way as I am and just taking a faint look at me. I do that too. I look at the people who get on the bus or who walk before me on the road, it's a habit, something that I mostly don't even think about. It probably is for them too, all these people who have ever devoted me as much as a glance. They don't think about raping me, then why the hell am I so scared? Once I asked one of my older girl friends why it seems like so many young girls and women get raped. She said "well, that's because it is a lot. More than half of the women in the world experience it once". I have no idea if this is true or not, but I remembered getting so scared when she told me that. I don't wanna get raped, it's my worst nightmare. Ever since I've been scared, and yeah, some might think I'm a coward. That's okay, I do too. But I wonder how many more teenage girls that feel like me, maybe it's just me, I don't know.

But I think it's such a pity that I feel this way, I'm literally scared of most young men, how weird is that?! But I can't get over it, walking alone in the city with both earphones plugged in feels to me like suicide. It's not, not even close.

And I can't believe that there's actually people who think they have the right to molest anyone, it's horrible and I don't undertsand how you can do such a thing and then just keep living on like nothing happened. Or even worse, keep on doing it.

To all of you out there who can relate to what I'm feeling: it's a pity that we have to feel this way, it really is and I hope that someday we can all get out of it. You're all worth something, don't ever let someone tell you/make you believe anything else!

Listen to: It ain't me- Kygo and Selena Gomez.

It's been a good day today! At our french lesson we all did a test. I had a good feeling and answered all the questions, so I hope it went well! In the school cafeteria me and my friends sat at the table opposite my crush, and my chair was already turned to his table so I had a reason to look a little... And a hard time trying not to stare too much, I don't think he noticed though. We also got a new girl in our class today, Maria, she was pretty shy and didn't say that much. But I think everyone would be nervous coming to a new class in the middle of the schoolyear. Apparentely she is from Stockholm, and her parents are originally from an arabian country (didn't manage to pick up the name) so she can write in Arabian, wich is really cool I think!

The weekend was great too, spent the saturday with my friends looking at the final off a music competition. I also spoke about my crush with one off my friends, they were in the same class in middle school so she knew quite a lot about him. I'm writing about him too much, huh? Yesterday I decided to try a little bit of jumping again, I have a few obstacles in my garden wich I used to jump over a lot a few months ago. But I haven't really found the motivation lately so I've just left it, until yesterday. The highest obstacle is around the height of 1,20 metres wich I managed to jump last summer. But as it has been quite a few months since I jumped I thought I wouldn't do to great, but I managed to jump 1,10 at my first attempt! Little proud girl right here. ;)

Sorry for a bit of a boring blogpost today, my life isn't too interesting atm and I haven't had a good topic to write about, just waiting for it to pop up! I've also been a little bit busy these days as it's my moms birthday today so I've been preparing a lot for that. Before I end this post I'd just like to thank all of you for reading my blog and checking in here sometimes, today my blog has been visited 50 times! Might not seem like much to many, but to me it's crazy!

Listen to: Run 2 You- Josh Bogert

              As I Lay Me Down- Wiktoria

So, I have a lot of friends that have their birthdays in March (including me and my sister) and a few days ago i told my mom I was going to by something for my boy friend (friendzone space). And she was pretty sceptical about it, "will he give you something back then," she asked. I have had friends buying him stuff for his birthday before, but he didn't get them anything for their birthday. Wich, I don't know how I feel about that. I want to buy him something, he's one of my best friends, and I don't really care about getting anything back from him. I'm not expecting it either. But for example, if i would have spent a lot of time and maybe even money on his gift and then not getting anything back, I'd be kinda sad. And I am one of those persons who feel extremely guilty if someone that had their birthday in february gives me a gift for my birthday, and I never got anything for their birthday. But I don't always want something in return, I have never fully understood the giving and getting thing. Don't get me wrong, I love getting gifts, but I also love giving gifts. And getting something back isn't what I'm looking for when I'm buying someone a gift, it's their reaction when they open it. That's also the reason why I'm always so worried that my gifts won't be good enough, I want them to like my gifts and get happy. But I always try to think that it's the thought that matters, wich, personally I think it is.

It's now the 11th of March, my boy friends (still friendzone space)birthday. I've thought about it and I'll buy him a chocolate, not too much but it's a lil' someting. And I feel like it's still enough, I know he loves chocolate!

I'm going shopping today, buying gifts for my mom and two of my friends. I'm excited, hoping to be able to get some really good gifts!

Listen to: Pity Party- Melanie Martinez

Being normal. There is this weird, disturbing guy in my grade. He came up to me today and told me that I was cringeworthy and weird in every possible way, he told me that I should try being a little normal. My spontaneous reaction was "I'm sorry, but I think you're speaking to the wrong person. I'm not the one running around burping and farting or screaming offensive and racist words trying to make people laugh, that's you." I thaught about it on my way home, what is the definition of "normal"? Who is normal? I don't think that there's a correct answer to these questions, I'm pretty sure that depends on who you are and who you hang out with.

I think a lot of peoples definiton of normal is someone who looks good, doesn't stand out too much and is very laid back/cool. Simply, someone who isn't too different from everyone else and fits in to the norm. Personally I love people who can be the same with everyone, who can always be themselves no matter who or how many people they are around. The people who are brave enough to stand out a little and make noise. Thats my kind of people, the kind of human that I strive to be, wich I guess gives me the title "weird", or "cringeworthy". I'm not too bothered by that though, I always think that the people who tell me that I'm not normal aren't too normal themselves.

The definition of normal is a tricky topic that has no correct or incorrect answers. I always think it's pretty funny when people tell me that I'm not normal, I always wonder what their definition of normal is and why they think they have the right to go up to me and tell me that I'm weird. I'm not, okay? I'm myself, wich is not the same thing.

-I'm not cringy, I just have a personality that you can't handle-

Listen to: Solo Dance- Martin Jensen

           Outsiders- Against the current.

Sitting in my bed listening to music and relaxing, feels great.

Yesterday I wrote quite a sad post, today i felt i had to embrace the little things, wich I have done. And here's my obeservations:

1. The food that was served in school today tasted pretty good.

2. My crush and i got eye contact, probably the best thing that happened today.

3. My friends were all happy and healthy, they made my day.

4. I got to do a really fun music project, and my teacher was very happy with me.

5. I finally felt like i understood what i was doing in maths class. 

6. I got to eat a really good apple.

7. The english class was a lot of fun, we were writing down words for different kitchen supplies and me and my friends had a lot of fun figuring out the different words.

So my conclusion for todays observation is that embracing the little things that made your day even the slightest bit better make you happier and makes you think of how lucky you are. you also get more aware of what actually happens around you.

So, i just got home from school and it's about 7pm. Me, my sister and my best friend stayed late. we're working on fixing our recreation room. Painting the walls and sewing new covers for all the cushions. It's turning out pretty well and we're almost done. i'm pretty worried about what the other pupils will think though, we've spent a lot of time on this so i really hope they like it. Fingers crossed, right?

Listen to: Nothing stopping me- vicetone

             We'll be the stars- Sabrina carpenter.

god i'm tired, feels like i've been awake all night. Wich i haven't but oh well, we've all been teenagers once, and most of us has probably had a crush. Im in that shit right know...

Let's call this gorgeous guy jimmy. (feels wrong to use his real name) So, this guy. He's one year older than me, wich means he's in the grade above me and i have no idea about how this started really. i was sleeping over at my best friends house, it was around 3am and i couldn't sleep. eventally i started drifting away a little and then he was just suddenly in my dreams. I can't remember seeing him in school the day before or earlier that year. so i still have no idea what that dream came from. But he was just so damn sweet to me in my dream and then suddenly i was just hella in love. I tried to tell myself i didn't like him that way, but it didn't work out that well so i'm still stuck in this awkward situation when he barely knows who i am and i am just way to in love with him...

He does know who i am though, i did manage to get his snapchat (no, not from him of course) and he added me back. and i accidentally sent a very ugly picture of me that was supposed to be to my best friend. But now, like 2 months later we've come to a very awkward stage where he is ignoring my snaps, i don't want it to seem like i care so i don't send him that many. but he just opens them and doesn't send anything back, wich of course annoys me a little. But i can't blame him really, still, he barely knows who i am. But he definitely doesn't like me back (wich, i don't blame him for, we don't know eachother) and i would kinda like to move on, but it's a lot harder than it seems. i just really like him, and i have done some real stalkerish shit to get to know him from a distance. I know a lot about him, besides if he has a girlfriend. I know his sign is taurus (wich is compatible to pisces, my sign), i know when his school days end, i know what way he takes to the bus and i kinda know where he lives. scary, right? But the thing is, liking him this much, knowing that there's no chance of him liking me back has been a little bit of a mental breakdown. i have been looking myself in the mirror a lot more, telling me that Jimmy could never like me 'cuz i'm so fat and ugly. I've been starting to eat a lot less and i really feel bad after eating sweets or ice cream or anything like that. I've also started to work out way more than before. all of this has made me tired and i'm so up in a cloud telling myself that i need to look better so that he'll like me. School has been starting to pay for that, due to the lack of food i eat i have been getting more tired, wich is showing in my classes. my teachers often tell me i look pale and tired and that is seems like i have a hard time concentrating. Wich i have, and all because of this gorgeous boy and stupid dream! Writing this out makes everything seem so much easier, i could just stop liking him, right? apparentley not. i don't know what to do! my grades are slowly starting to drop and i really don't want this to affect school! But i can't stop thinking that i'm fat and ugly, that i need to eat less and become more beautiful so that he'll like me back.

Listen to: Mrs. potato head- mealnie martinez

             Scars to your beautiful- alessia cara

Ok, believe it or not. There's always more than one option. Many think that the only way to get rid of the pain that they''re feeling is suicide. yeah, suicide. We have all heard that word. Maybe you've gone through the painfull stage off trying to commit suicide. Maybe you know someone who was succesfull. But it's not your only option. you just need to see the other ones, even though they might be behind the gigantic forest or past the horison.

speak to someone, there's always at least two options. And one of them is the better one, you choose wich.

listen to: superheroes - the script